


Beneath the Surface of What is Beautiful

by FlyAndDontLookBack



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 10:57:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13409790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyAndDontLookBack/pseuds/FlyAndDontLookBack
Summary: In which Kise believes that, to be considered beautiful, he must become weightless first. So he jumps down the rabbit hole to see what lies beneath the surface but soon grows addicted to what he sees. Others are getting worried but Kise isn't coming out until he achieves what is beautiful. And that, on it's own, is mentally harrowing. [mental illness: anorexia] trigger warning.





	Beneath the Surface of What is Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> Hi.  
> Few things to talk about before we get into this story.
> 
> First, this story, as you can tell from the summary, deals with some serious stuff, and while I've written about serious topics before, none have hit me harder than this one because the content that you will read is personal. Most of it comes from my own experience, and it's still raw and really scary. The other stuff I've written, I've written it in a third perspective, just writing from my own imagination.   
> But this. This story comes from the heart, and I can't tell you how many times I've almost stopped writing this because I could just see myself doing the same thing, over and over again.  
> It's been hard. It's been really hard. I guess one of the main reasons I haven't been writing lately is because I've been hit with some serious problems. From the inside. From my mind. And it's... been tough.
> 
> I needed to write this because I needed a way to express just how dark my times were while I was suffering.
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for clicking on this story and I hope you'll enjoy.
> 
> I'll talk to you guys more in the end

_**Trigger Warning** _

_**Anorexia is mentioned and described throughout the story. Please be careful while reading** _

* * *

It was frustrating.

Frustrating to see what was reflected right before him.

The look on his face.

The look that screamed agony and hatred.

The dark, dark bags that marred the bottom of his eyes.

His eyes

Blank, almost dream-like.

Soaked in acid, dripping down, trailing down

Gathering into a hollow hole that once used to be filled with love and smiles.

Hurts, he thinks, it hurts.

And the it travels down, the eyes of a falling warrior.

He sees

The curves of his naked body.

Bumps and lines, bumps and lines.

Bump, bump, bump.

BUMP

That one bump that never seems to fade away.

That one line that is inconsistent with the others.

That one crack that isn't even there.

He scrutinizes

The bumps of his naked body.

Screaming,

Taunting,

Mocking him with every fiber of his body.

That is,

If there was any left.

It was frustrating.

Frustrating to see that no matter how hard he worked, how hard he tried,

It would still be there.

Ridiculing him.

Pushing him into the old, regular spiral.

Telling him no, not yet.

Not good enough just yet.

Not beautiful just yet.

* * *

"Kise, you're falling behind! Get a move on or we're leaving you behind!" The coach shouted as his eyes followed the famous Kise Ryouta, the man who seemed to have it all. Part basketball player, part university student, and part model, Kise had his whole life in the skies.

He was a beautiful, beautiful man. Whether people liked him or hated him, that one phrase was something everyone could agree with.

He was a beautiful, beautiful man. One who could take anyone's breath away if he merely smiled.

This beautiful man truly seemed to have it all.

But for now, this beautiful, blond-haired man was huffing, trying to catch his breath as he willed his legs to move a bit faster and join the rest of his teammates in their daily warm up jog.

"Kise, hurry up! You can't be the one falling behind when you were the one who proposed this in the first place!" The coach jabbed and Kise yelled a hefty "Yes, coach!" before going turbo speed. The coach was right, after all. Kise was the one who wanted this. So naturally, he had the best at the invention he created.

He did his best to forget the pain in his legs and the restraints of his quickly beating heart as he sped up, and before he knew it, he was at the front, bypassing his teammates so easily it was almost impossible to believe it without seeing it for yourself.

With ten laps done, the basketball team's coach rewarded them with a fifteen minute rest before starting strength training. During that time, everyone on the field, whether they were regulars or benchwarmers or even people watching in the sidelines, all came up to him and remarked on his amazing boost.

Kise took it all with a smile, nodding and thanking them for their kind words, but inside, his head was spinning and the words that he took in just went out the other ear.

They weren't even halfway through the morning and there was still so much more to go. But Kise forced it all down, the spinning, the dizziness, the little voice inside his head, and followed the entire workout through.

Just.

Like.

Always.

* * *

The clock struck ten and their morning training was finally done. Three hours of grueling cardio and strength training, HIIT workouts and resistance work was done for the day. The members of the basketball team were on the ground, practically lying dead. Sweat filled the walls of the gym and most were close to hyperventilating. What an amazing morning workout.

But there was something missing. Where was the actually skill work? Why were these basketball players not doing actual basketball? Why focus on something else?

It wasn't normally like this, people were told.

Before, basketball practice was just that. Basketball practice.

There was no morning workouts specifically targeted for cardio and strength training. That was something the players could do individually, if they wanted to, and though most did, it was never mandatory. Cardio was obviously important as endurance was something that all sports needed, but that had always been solved with just a simple jog on the treadmill provided by the university's gym and the later grueling skill work to improve their times, movements, and abilities.

So what changed to make program into such rigorous mess?

Kise Ryouta joined the team.

He was the one to propose it to the basketball coach when he was admitted with flying colors. To become the best, he began, one must work hard until they can't feel their face and their bones are about to break. To become the best, one must not become 'ordinary'; instead, they must soar.

One could never become the best by being like the rest.

So the coach asked him what he wanted to do.

Kise proposed two training sessions, one in the morning and one at night.

Instead of making cardio a simple jog and resistance training a passing thing, they should be reinforced into the everyday routine.

The mornings should always consist of some kind of cardio, whether it be running laps around the school field, which was the size of a stadium, or spending at least an hour on the treadmill on full speed. The better the endurance, the better the plays, so cardio should be top priority. Strength and resistance should be added to make sure each member was in top shape and ready to conquer the world.

Then where would the skill work for basketball lie? The coach questioned.

That, Kise continued, would be reserved for the night, right after dinner, when their bodies were sluggish and tired from all that sitting in class. It would be a wake up call for their bodies, he explained, and to perfect their basketball skills at night would mean such movements would be still be fresh in their minds for the morning after.

It was logical enough. Anyone who heard it would agree that it was a good program.

But the coach was skeptical, and for good reason.

Wouldn't that be too much? He then asked. Such a brutal program. Would everyone be able to keep up? Would  _you_  be able to keep up?

Kise brushed it off like dust, an easy smile on his face to calm the anxious coach down.

"Of course."

And that was when Kise dug his grave.

* * *

But, in reality, if one thought about it, Kise had begun to dig way, way before then.

* * *

Morning practice was done and Kise teammates all gathered round to choose where to eat.

"Cafeteria?" One proposed but the others groaned.

"And eat the same thing over and over again? God no. I am sick and tired of constantly eating rice and chicken breast." One complained.

"If I eat one more piece of salmon, I think I'm going to throw up." Another added.

"I just need something oily and greasy. I've been craving it all morning. I still can't get used to this new program." One said, grabbing a towel to wipe off any more sweat that was on his face. He was one of the few seniors that stayed after the workout program had changed. The others had quit after a week of trying because they couldn't handle it.

Kise made a face just remembering those complaints the first week of testing it. They had all screamed at the blond for making such a preposterous suggestion and then insulted his life and career for the hell of it.

Those seniors were never seen again afterwards and for that, Kise was grateful.

"I can't say the same, senpai." Kise said with a smile and the others groaned once more.

"Well Mr. Perfect, good for you." The senior said sarcastically. "Glad to know someone is getting something out of this change."

"You can't just say that!" Kise exclaimed. "You have to admit, ever since we added the new stuff, we've all grown stronger and lasted longer on the court. Am I wrong?" At that, no one had any rebuts. Kise smiled even bigger because he knew he was in the right.

"So, back to the food. Class for me doesn't start until twelve and I really don't want to eat something as plain as rice. I want some good old carbs in my body." One of the members proposed and the others agreed in unison.

"Anyone up for some morning pizza?" The senior asked with a giddy smile and the other cheered. Kise, however, stiffened, his face falling.

_(Pizza: 237 CALORIES in one piece_

_10 grams of FAT_

_10.6 grams of PROTEIN_

_So many CARBS)_

"Kise, you coming?" One of them called out and the blond realized that the team had already started moving. One of the seniors was waving his phone, telling everyone he made orders for four large, extra cheesy pizzas to be delivered.

"Pizzas coming in about fifteen minutes!" He called out.

Kise gave them a sheepish smile. "Sorry, but I forgot I had something to do. I can't have pizza with you guys."

"What? What do you have to do?" The one closest to Kise said with a skeptical and somewhat worried look.

"Model stuff." He explained with two hands clasped in front of him. "Sorry!"

"Right, models can't have things like pizza, can they?" His teammates murmured and they all gave him looks of pity.

Don't, Kise begged them, don't give me that look.

"But you worked out really hard today. Even more so than yesterday. I don't think a few slices of pizza will do your body much harm." The one next to him said with a shaky voice.

Kise could only give him a sad smile. "Sorry, Kurokocchi. My manager would kill me if he found out I ate pizza. I'll see you guys at night."

He waved and bowed, saying goodbye as he started to walk the other way. But as he was, he was stopped by a small tug at his sleeve.

When he looked back, he realized that it was Kuroko. Small, innocent Kuroko.

"What are you doing? Shouldn't you go back to the others?" Kise asked, slightly surprised.

The teal haired man, who had been by Kise's side since middle school, had his head lowered so the blond couldn't see the facial expression the smaller one was making. But there was an aura around him that Kise didn't like.

"Kise-kun." Kuroko started and there was pit in Kise' s stomach forming.

"Yeah?"

"You will eat, though, right? Even if it isn't with us, you  _will_  still eat?" Kuroko asked and Kise could hear the shakiness of his voice.

He was asking again.

And the small voice inside his head was back. But Kise still smiled. The voice inside his head was telling him to go, go now, but Kise stayed and ruffled Kuroko's head. The voice inside his head was now screaming at him to leave, so this time, because he hated such screeches, he listened.

"Don't worry, Kurokocchi. I will." And before Kuroko could say anything else, Kise left and resisted the urge to put his hand on his stomach to calm the growls that were erupting from it.

* * *

_Japanese rice: 168 CALORIES per 100 grams_

_0.4 grams of FAT_

_3.5 grams of PROTEIN_

_36 grams of CARBS_

(Will it be ok to eat 200 because of today's workout? Or is that too much? Eating two servings would be eating too many carbs, so I should limit myself and eat 150 instead. Sounds good. Where's my scale? How much does this weigh?)

_Miso soup: 84 CALORIES per serving_

_3.4 grams of FAT_

_6 grams of PROTEIN_

_7.8 grams of CARBS_

(Half a serving should be enough)

_Seaweed: 10 CALORIES per piece_

_0 grams of FAT_

_1 gram of PROTEIN_

_1 gram of CARB_

(How many will I need? Is five enough to satisfy my hunger? Or is that too much?)

_Grilled salmon: 330 CALORIES per serving_

_18 grams of FAT_

_42 grams of PROTEIN_

_0 grams of CARBS_

(I need my protein because we just finished strength training. I need to rebuild and keep lean and fit. I need to but why are there so many calories for one goddamn fish? I need my protein. I need my protein. I need my protein.  _But why is the number so high?_ )

_One whole egg: 74 CALORIES_

(No.)

_Egg white: 17 CALORIES_

_0.06 grams of FAT_

_3.6 grams of PROTEIN_

_0.2 grams of CARBS_

(Take out the yolk and cook the egg whites with oil. I can treat myself because egg whites are low in calorie. I can eat this one whole. Just take out the yolk, take out the yolk, take out the yolk)

Today's breakfast:

252 + 42 + 50 + 247 + 17 = 558

_558 CALORIES_

0.6 + 1.7 + 0 + 6 + 0.06 = 8.36

_8.36 grams of FAT_

5.25 + 3 + 5 + 14 + 3.6 = 30.85

_30.85 grams of PROTEIN_

54 + 3.9 + 5 + 0 + 0.2 = 63.1

_63.1 grams of CARBS_

(So hungry. But I can't afford to hit 600 calories for breakfast. But I want more. I'll eat more at lunch, after class. What's for lunch? When is lunch? Calm down stomach, you had your fill. Calm down. We can eat more later. I'll make sure to eat more later.)

(I'm satisfied with the breakfast I've had)

(I wonder how everyone else is doing with their pizza)

(God, I want pizza)

(Stop growling)

(I want pizza)

(Just stop growling)

(Pizza)

(Pizza) (Pizza) (Pizza) (Pizza) (Pizza) (Pizza) (Pizza) (Pizza) (Pizza) (Pizza) (Pizza)

"Shut up. Just shut up."

* * *

"Kise, I know being a model and a basketball player is very tiring, but the least you can do is pretend you're listening." His professor said with an eye roll, coming over to the desk where the famous blond-haired model was, who was resting his head.

Said blond lifted his head groggily, his eyes trying to blink away as much sluggishness as possible.

"I was listening." He said out of habit and the students around him snickered.

The professor looked unconvinced and extremely unpleased but Kise was too busy trying to wake up. Was the morning workout taking a toll on him? But to his left, his teammate, whom Kise remembered was named Kishinuma, was lively and energetic, actively talking to the person next to him, even though he had to participate in the same grueling workout. Kise could practically see the oil from the pizza dripping from the edge of his lips.

(God, I want some pizza)

"Really?" The teacher said, his tone laced with very dry sarcasm. "Then what was I talking about?"

Kise looked around discreetly and hoped someone would give him some kind of answer. Thankfully, from the corner of his eye, there was a woman who scribbled something very quickly on her notebook and held it up for him.

It wrote 'MENTAL ILLNESS'

Kise blinked and looked back at the teacher in a split second. "Mental illnesses?"

The teacher harrumphed. "Close enough. We were talking about psychological disorders and the various roots from it. At least try to take some notes, even if it's through recordings."

"Of course, professor."

"And see me after class." He added before going back to the lecture. Kise looked back at the woman who had helped him. She was average looking, brown locks of hair tied back into a tight ponytail and eyes as dark as the midnight sky. It looked like she had put on barely any makeup, maybe just foundation and a hint of eyeliner over simple mascara. She wasn't the most eye-opening person and no one would give her a second glance if she walked down the streets, but she seemed kind and approachable enough.

If anything, she just looked comfortable in her own skin.

(How lucky)

Kise and her met eyes and he smiled at her, bowing slightly as he mentally thanked her for the help. She blushed slightly, a red hue marking her cheeks for a split second before smiling back and acknowledging his thank you.

It was a bit refreshing, Kise thought, to receive some help as simple as this. With his life as hectic as it was, something as simple as holding a notebook with an answer was just what he needed to calm the mess that was his day.

He would have to thank her once more after class but soon remembered that the professor wanted to see him. He groaned in his seat, laying his head down on the desk once more. He then decided to take a glance at his teammate, and saw how avidly he was taking notes on the lecture.

Kise cursed him but then decided to get the notes from him later, just like every other time Kise was too tired to move.

(God, I'm hungry)

* * *

"You realize I can't keep giving you this kind of special treatment, right?" The professor started with a critical eye, going straight to the point. Class had ended and while everyone trailed off in a line to leave the classroom, Kise stayed, slowly packing his books until the room was empty.

(Just like his stomach)

(Just like his mind)

Kise sighed, knowing exactly what the professor was talking about. "I know, professor, and I'm sorry. I just— It's getting harder to keep up with my morning workouts. And I have my work outside of school and it's been a bit hectic for me to manage in the short time I have."

"I understand but this isn't the first time I've caught you sleeping. I get it, you're in college and it's hard for people to manage at times, especially for you, but for the entire month, Kise? Really? You forget that  _you're_  the one who chose to listen to my class. Is psychology just not fun for you?"

"No!" Kise disagreed with wide eyes. He loved this class. "I love psychology, and I really do enjoy learning more about the human brain and whatnot. I just— I need some time to figure my my schedule. That's all. I just think I have so much crammed in one day. I have morning practice, then class, then model work, then night practice, and I haven't been getting much sleep… I guess I'm just tired from the extra work."

"Then why not take something out? Even as an experienced college professor, there's a limit to what I can do in a day's time. You have to know what your limits are, Kise. To juggle class, basketball  _and_  modeling? That's just too much. And I heard that basketball practice has gotten much harder since you came in."

Kise rubbed the back of his head, unable to retort. "Yeah, I suggested adding some morning workouts with basketball practice. But it's really fine. I mean, you saw Kishinuma-kun. He's in the same team as me and we had the same regimen, but he listened to you just fine."

"But he isn't juggling extra work. Tell me, how is modeling?" The professor then questioned and Kise looked at him with curious eyes.

"Um, fine, I guess? I just need to look nice for the camera and that's pretty much it. Makeup and lighting are all up to the professionals, so I just have to stay there and follow what they tell me to do. It's not as hard as it looks."

The professor didn't look convinced. If anything, it looked like he severely wanted to make a serious retort to Kise's comment.

"You don't feel stress or anything like that? Modeling is such a harsh, critical environment to be in. Surely there must be some burden on your shoulders."

Kise was starting to hate how prying his teacher was. "I mean, it's not like I'm a full-time model or anything. And I've been doing this work since middle school, so I'm used to it."

The professor hummed, still not convinced but he finally seemed to let it go. Kise was relieved.

(He didn't need another nagger)

"Ok, I'll take your word for it. But if you start to feel like you can't handle it anymore, or if you feel like something is too hard to bear, do not hesitate to come to me, ok?"

"You worry too much, professor." Kise replied with his signature, easy smile. "There's no way that's going to happen."

"You underestimate me, Kise. You forget that I'm a psychology teacher. There's a lot hidden in a human being that cannot be seen merely by appearance. There's a lot more than meets the eye."

"Now you're just getting too psychological on me, professor. I'm going to go now." Kise said, unable to meet his teacher's eyes anymore. There was something about his words that stabbed the blond in the stomach, and he would rather leave the uncomfortable place now than ponder about it.

"Alright." The professor said and finally decided to dismiss him. "Just know that even if I'm not here for you, there are plenty of others who are."

"Yes, professor. Goodbye." Kise said with a bow and did his best to not quicken his steps, as to not show how eerily accurate the teacher's words were.

He didn't want to show how much they hit him close to home.

(It's lunchtime.

What do I eat now?)

* * *

"Kise-kun, surely you are not going to end lunch with just a sweet potato, are you?"

_(Sweet potato: 115 CALORIES per piece_

_0.2 grams of FAT_

_2.1 grams of PROTEIN_

_26.8 grams of CARBS)_

Kise welcome the newcomer to his table, which was covered with notebooks from his previous classes. On top, there was a notebook with the name Kishinuma scribbled on it. Kise had made sure to catch up to his teammate and ask for today's lecture notes, which he gladly gave the blond.

"Ah, that's where you're wrong, Kurokocchi." Kise replied as Kuroko sat down on the seat opposite to him. He, too, began to unpack his bag to take out some notebooks. "This is my second piece."

(Today's lunch:

_130 CALORIES_

_0.4 grams of FAT_

_4.2 grams of PROTEIN_

_53.6 grams of CARBS_ )

The teal-head raised an eyebrow waiting for more explanation and when none was provided, his eyes grew wide. "Are you telling me that your lunch only consisted of two pieces of sweet potato?" He asked incredulously.

Kise nodded, unsure of how to react. "Well, yeah. Sweet potato is a great source for carbs and it fills you up for a longer period of time so if I eat two, then I can hold out until dinner and—"

"Kise-kun, what did you have for breakfast while we were gone?" Kuroko then cut off.

"Just your traditional Japanese breakfast."

"And how much did you eat?" Kuroko pressed.

Kise's mouth felt heavy. "The normal amount." He said as confidently as he could.

Kuroko's piercing blue eyes were scratching Kise's insides painfully. "I have a feeling that your vision of a 'normal amount' is not the same as mine." When Kise had no remarks for that, Kuroko ran his hand through his hair in distress.

"Kise-kun, please. Have more food. Two pieces of sweet potato will not last you for long."

"But it will, Kurokocchi. I've done this before, so don't worry." Kise reassured.

"I know but there is a limit to what a sweet potato can give you." The teal head tried to persuade but it just went from one ear to the other.

"Just a few. Seriously, Kurokocchi, you're worrying too much about me." Kise responded with a smile. Kuroko, upon seeing that, had to look away.

"Please eat more. I bought a packaged lunch from the convenience store along the way so that we could eat together. I can give you this and I'll buy another. Or if that takes too much time, we can just share." Kuroko suggested as he brought out a plastic container filled with small servings of various side dishes and fried rice.

Kise looked at it somewhat longingly. He had been craving rice since his first class because it was obvious that he didn't eat as much as he would've liked in the morning, but he was already almost done with his second piece of sweet potato.

(He had already consumed too many calories for this lunch)

Still, he wondered if it was alright to eat a bit more.

Kise reached for his phone, which was inside his bag and gave Kuroko an apologetic glance.

"Sorry but can you give me a second, Kurokocchi? I just got a text from my manager." Kise lied, which Kuroko didn't catch, and the blond quickly searched up the packaged lunch on Google.

_(Bento box: 320 CALORIES in one serving_

_3.5 grams of FAT_

_15 grams of PROTEIN_

_59 grams of CARBS)_

Kise's eyes widened slightly but quickly blinked the shock away. He turned back to his companion, who still had the box in front of him, just waiting for the chance to offer it to the blond. But it was so much.

(Why were the numbers so high?)

"Sorry, my manager was asking if I could participate in this photoshoot." Kise said as he put his phone back down.

Kuroko seemed unsurprised. "I've noticed you've been more focused on your modeling career lately, Kise-kun. Back in middle school, I remember you were close to quitting modeling completely to focus more on basketball, but now, it is like looking at a whole different person."

Kise chuckled. "I was a complete basketball idiot then, wasn't I?"

"We all were. What changed?" Kuroko asked, curious.

Kise pondered about it himself. When had his thinking shifted from basketball to modeling? When he remembered, his expression immediately soured.

Kuroko looked at him in puzzlement. "Kise-kun, are you alright?"

Kise, realizing he wasn't alone, quickly lost the expression he was making and made himself seem more at ease. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just remembered something from before."

"You looked like you wanted to kill something."

Curse Kuroko and his attention to detail. "It's nothing, really." He decided to steer the conversation elsewhere. "Anyways, I think I just realized that I should put my good looks to good use." Kise laughed at his own pun, and laughed even harder when he saw Kuroko's annoyed look.

"You are despicable, Kise-kun. Now, will you eat this? I am tired of holding it out." The smaller of the two said as he pointed to the bento box. Having come from the convenience store, it was sure to be packed with added sugars and chemicals like MSG that would surely make it less healthy.

(He was scared.)

(But so, so hungry)

Kise shook his head. "I'm not hungry anymore, Kurokocchi. You can eat. It's yours, anyways."

Kuroko's face immediately fell. "But Kise-kun, sweet potato is not sufficient enough for a lunch. You need to eat more."

"Seriously, Kurokocchi, it's fine. I'm really full."

"But—"

"Look, if it makes you feel any better, I'll eat dinner with you instead. How's that? Before we go into our nightly workout, we can have dinner in my dorm."

Kuroko looked like he wanted to protest but after giving it some thought, he eventually nodded. "Alright, it is a promise then. You and I shall eat dinner together, and you will promise me that you will eat more than just this."

Kise nodded his head without much thought. "Yes, yes, mother."

Kuroko began to open the bento box, which Kise eyed gluttonously, and began to slowly eat, as if to savor each bite. He began to scour his notebook, which were filled with passages and texts from famous Japanese books, and started reading them as he ate.

(Eat faster, will you? I can't get satisfied if you eat as slow as me.)

Then, Kuroko raised his head, startling Kise for a second. "Kise-kun, why do you have Kishinuma-kun's notebook?"

Kise looked to his right where Kuroko's eyes were at and saw that the borrowed notebook was there in plain sight. "Oh, this? I accidentally slept during class so I asked Kishinuma-kun if I could borrow his notes."

Kuroko pressed his lips together once more in distaste. Somehow, the action was becoming a habit for Kuroko whenever he was with him. "This is probably the seventh time you've done this just for this month, Kise-kun. Are the lectures too boring?"

"What? Not at all. I chose psychology because I'm really curious about it."

"Then why are you constantly sleeping?"

Kise shrugged. "Probably because of the morning workouts. And I haven't really been sleeping well these days."

"Kise-kun…" Kuroko began to say, and Kise immediately knew what was going to happen next. He had to escape, and he had to do it now.

(I already know what you're going to say)

"Kurokocchi, stop worrying. It's only because I'm lacking time. I'm figuring it all out, so you don't have to worry. I swear." Kise said as he began to pack his bags. Kuroko stared at him.

"Are you leaving?" He asked and Kise nodded quickly.

"Yup, it's almost time for my next class, so I'll have to bid you adieu first, Kurokocchi."

"But—"

Kise was already standing and had a foot moving. "Don't worry, I'll still have dinner with you!" And soon, he shuffled away from the teal head, but not before hearing his small but firm voice saying, "Your next class is with me and that starts in an hour."

* * *

There was a slight tapping on the door and Kise knew that it was Kuroko waiting on the other side. He quickly organized his desk, trying to make it look as presentable as possible, and opened the door with a big smile.

"Hey, Kurokocchi." Kise greeted.

"Good evening, Kise-kun." Kuroko greeted back, allowing himself to enter Kise's room. It was definitely on the emptier side ever since Kise's roommate moved out, but it was also a blessing to the blond because now, he had the freedom to design the room however he wanted to.

That included a mini fridge, a microwave, and a rice cooker, bought from his own money, curtesy of his well paying job. All he needed was a sink right next to the fridge and Kise could practically call the dorm his home.

But since that wasn't the case, Kise made sure to prep all of his meals in the lounge area, where there was a kitchen for everyone's use. There, it had everything a kitchen should have such as running water, a gas stove, and even some pots and plates. Luckily, the lounge was right outside his room, making it easier for him to move to and fro.

"I've already made preparations for dinner." Kise proclaimed rather proudly and Kuroko merely nodded, looking at the rice cooker, which was now just steaming.

"What have you made?"

"I thought a simple rice bowl would be enough to last us for tonight's workout." Kise explained as he opened the rice cooker to reveal beautiful white, perfectly cooked rice. Kuroko nodded in approval, the twinkle in his eyes showing his enthusiasm for such dish.

"Good. I am starving." Kuroko said.

"Would you like a full bowl, then?"

"Yes, please."

"Coming right up."

Kise then began with Kuroko's dish, as he was the guest. He filled the bowl two-thirds of the way, the rice still steaming with delicious goodness. He then took out the meat, pork fillet to be exact, which Kise had already cut and cooked beforehand in the kitchen outside. To make it warm, he put it in the microwave, and as he waited for the timer to run out, he took out the pre-chopped vegetables like welsh onions and cabbage and sprinkled them to one side of the bowl. The microwave then beeped loudly and Kise took the meat out swiftly.

(He always hating that noise.)

He layered the thinly sliced pieces of meat on the other side, and finally, he cracked open an egg in the middle to make a perfect don.

"Here you go, Kurokocchi." Kise said and Kuroko looked at dish, impressed.

"Your culinary skills have gotten better since the last time I came here." Kuroko remarked.

"Are you saying my food wasn't good before?" Kise over-dramatized but Kuroko shook his head.

"Somehow, it seems like you're more mindful. It's a good thing." Kuroko responded, but his eyebrows then crinkled, as if a thought suddenly passed over him. "I hope." He then added.

Kise decided to ignore that last remark as he began making his own don.

"You can eat first, Kurokocchi." He said but Kuroko was stubborn.

"That is just bad manners, Kise-kun, and you should know that. I shall wait for you."

Kise rolled his eyes but his back was to Kuroko, so the teal head couldn't see. He held the rice spatula in his hand, but this time, he was more hesitant to dive right in.

_(Japanese rice: 168 CALORIES per 100 grams_

_0.4 grams of FAT_

_3.5 grams of PROTEIN_

_36 grams of CARBS)_

He eyed the scale that was just a few feet away from him, but if he grabbed for it to measure how many grams of rice he would put in his bowl, Kuroko would surely stop him and most likely break the damn thing right in front of his eyes.

He would just have to be careful to not over eat. Today, for tonight's dinner, he would merely have to estimate how much calories he inhaled.

So, he began to make his own dish. Taking the rice from the cooker, he laid it down gingerly into the bowl and looked at it for a while, trying to get a feeling of just how much he had just put in.

(A little less)

So he took out a small portion.

(A little less)

And he took out a little more.

(A little less)

Until the bowl was filled only a third of the way. Kise looked at it, satisfied.

He then moved on to the pork, which sat in the plastic container, just waiting to be picked up.

_(Pork fillet: 140 CALORIES per serving_

_5 grams of FAT_

_20 grams of PROTEIN_

_3 grams of CARBS)_

Somehow, it seemed like Kise had made too many, even though he was sure before that it would be enough for two people. How many pieces of meat would he need to make it into a half serving?

Just in case, he decided to only put three, which barely covered one side of the bowl. He remembered he had put at least ten pieces in Kuroko's, but then reminded himself that he was having less rice, and therefore, less pieces of meat was acceptable.

Finally, he moved onto the cut vegetables, which Kise loved eating because they were so healthy.

_(Welsh onion: 10 CALORIES per ounce_

_0.1 grams of FAT_

_0.5 grams of PROTEIN_

_1.8 grams of CARBS_

_Cabbage: 21 CALORIES per cup_

_0.1 grams of FAT_

_1.3 grams of PROTEIN_

_5 grams of CARBS)_

He sprinkled a hefty amount, even more so than what he gave Kuroko, and the bowl soon looked to be more towards the greens than the browns. Finally, he cracked open an egg in the middle because he deserved at least this much.

_(One whole egg: 74 CALORIES_

_5 grams of FAT_

_6.3 grams of PROTEIN_

_0.4 grams of CARBS)_

Kise scrutinized the bowl once more before nodding to himself in approval. He was sure he had put in just enough and before he finally went over to the table where Kuroko was waiting, he took out a bottle of soy sauce for the both of them to drizzle into the don.

"Sorry for the wait!" Kise remarked enthusiastically, placing the soy sauce in the middle.

Kuroko said nothing as he stared at Kise's bowl. His eyes the jumped from his portion to the blond's and immediately, his lips pressed in discontent.

"Kise-kun, why do you have a smaller portion than I?" Kuroko asked and Kise blinked.

"What do you mean?"

Kuroko pointed at Kise's don. "It's not even filling the entire bowl, Kise-kun."

Kise compared Kuroko's to his and did see the significant difference. Kuroko's bowl was definitely more filled and more scrumptious looking from all that meat piled onto it, but Kise wasn't complaining about his masterpiece.

He liked the vegetables.

(He also liked meat but there were just too many calories in one serving)

"I'm not that hungry, Kurokocchi." Kise said a bit too weakly and Kuroko sent him a mighty glare.

"Do not utter those words, Kise-kun. Even if I excused you from what you seem to call a lunch, there is no way I am letting you eat this little before we go to basketball practice. Put in more meat, at least."

"But I'm fine with what I have."

"Kise-kun,  _please_." Kuroko begged and Kise, resigned and sighing, stood up from his seat and went over to the counter where the meat was still waiting. With trembling hands, he picked up two more slices of meat and placed them neatly onto the pile. When he returned, he saw Kuroko's piercing blue eyes and quickly looked away.

Kuroko was still not satisfied with Kise's bowl but when the realization hit the teal that Kise wasn't going to make any more compromises to his dish, they both clasped their hands and uttered a simple "Thank you for the food."

Kuroko reached for the soy sauce and began drizzling just the right amount onto the bowl. Kise hesitated for a slight second —

_(Soy sauce: 8 CALORIES per tablespoon_

_0.01 grams of FAT_

_1 gram of PROTEIN_

_1.2 grams of CARBS)_

— but quickly did the same, as to not make Kuroko more anxious than he already was. They dug in, with Kuroko's chopsticks going into the bowl a bit faster than Kise's. Kise took his time chewing because he knew slower chewing meant lesser chances of overeating. He also knew that slowing down his chewing meant feeling fuller faster, which is exactly what he needed.

The two began small talk about their classes, Kise with psychology and Kuroko with Japanese Literature, and it was nice and comfortable for a while.

Soon, however, the talk died down and only the sound of plates clinking remained. Kuroko was halfway through his bowl, as was Kise because for every four bites Kuroko took, Kise only took one.

Kise glanced at Kuroko various times during the ordeal and couldn't help but be mesmerized by the way he ate. It was a very fluid motion; the way his chopsticks dug into the mountain of rice, making sure to grasp the side food as well; the way he opened his mouth just wide enough to fit the food in; the way his jaw moved as he chewed, the small but distinct sound of his teeth crushing what had to be crushed just riveting.

Kise should've given Kuroko more rice because he was getting full just by watching the smaller man eat. Unconsciously, he began matching Kuroko's pace, eating a mouthful per seconds, and before he knew it, he was done with his bowl.

"Thank you for the meal." Kise bowed rather sadly and Kuroko blinked at him.

"That was quick. Are you sure you do not want more food?" He asked and Kise shook his head.

"Nope, very full."

"I'm sorry I'm eating so slowly." Kuroko apologized but Kise vigorously shook his head in disagreement.

"You're not eating slowly at all! Don't worry about me and just finish your food. Take your time." He said as he placed his hand on top of chin, his posture growing more relaxed as he watched every single movement his old friend made.

Kuroko began to shift uncomfortably under Kise's stare. Kise, noticing, immediately looked away and coughed in discomfort.

"I'm going to put my bowl into the sink and bring some fruit for dessert. I'll be right back." He said as he excused himself from the table. He made a quick turn to see if Kuroko continued to eat, and when he did, Kise hastily made his way to the mini-fridge. He took out some cherry tomatoes,

_(Cherry tomato: 27 CALORIES per cup_

_0.3 grams of FAT_

_1.3 grams of PROTEIN_

_5.8 grams of CARBS)_

and counted how many were in there. If Kuroko ate two-thirds of the amount that was in the bowl, then Kise would have the remaining third, which was about half a cup, adding an extra 13 calories into his stomach.

When he came back, Kuroko was bowing, thanking the food he just had. Kise took the empty bowl graciously, though there was a part in his mind that was disappointed for not seeing Kuroko finishing his meal. Kise then put the cherry tomatoes in the middle of the table, beckoning Kuroko to begin eating.

Kise returned and they both began to feast on their dessert.

Kuroko looked uncomfortable, and Kise kicked himself mentally for such terrible manners from before.

It seemed like Kuroko wanted to speak and it took a while, but when he did, Kise dreaded it to his core.

"Kise-kun, you have a problem." Kuroko began slowly, as if he were carefully choosing his words, which he was.

"What do you mean?" Kise replied with his easy smile, though inside, he was dying.

"I've noticed this for a while now, since high school, but I never commented on it because I always assumed you would bounce back, but Kise-kun, I'm worried. So worried."

Kise couldn't look at Kuroko in the eye. "I don't know what you're talking about, Kurokocchi. I'm doing perfectly fine."

"But you're not." Kuroko pushed. "I just— I do not understand what is holding you back like this. You do so much and yet, you  _eat so little_ —"

Here it was. Kise slammed the table, the bang echoing through the room. Kuroko yelped in surprise and Kise himself blinked at the action he had just made. But he quickly composed himself and gave Kuroko that signature model smile.

"Kurokocchi, how many times do I have to say this to you?  _I'm fine._ " The blond stressed very clearly, but it clearly wasn't enough to persuade the teal head.

"Kise-kun—"

"Would you look at the time?" KIse abruptly interrupted. "You should go back to your dorm, Kurokocchi. We should start getting ready for basketball practice."

Kuroko looked like he desperately wanted to say something, but looking at the time, he realized that Kise's words were right. Slowly, ever so slowly, the teal head stood from his place and began to walk to the door. Kise followed from behind, resisting the urge to push his friend to walk faster.

When Kuroko arrived to the door, he turned back to face the blond once more.

"Kise-kun, I won't force you to say or admit anything until you are ready. But please, understand that I am extremely worried for you. You need to realize that having less than the person who is literally two heads smaller than you is not a healthy thing."

Kise brushed it aside. "I know, Kurokocchi. I know. I'm trying. I really am. I'll figure it out. I promise."

Kuroko pressed his lips together. He then took something out of his bag and it was the aroma that hit Kise first.

The beautiful smell of cold pizza.

From this morning? Probably.

Just by looking at the plastic bag and how big it was, the team probably ordered extra large with extra toppings and cheese.

(Like the fat pigs they were)

From the looks of it, there was probably about four pieces in the bag. Kuroko placed it onto Kise's hands, which had extended without his knowing.

"Please at least eat this before coming to practice. You will feel so much more energized, much more than how you feel now. Please, Kise-kun. Please." Kuroko begged.

And it was almost working.

But Kise wasn't having it. Of course he wasn't.

"Ok, Kurokocchi, for you."

(Liar)

(Liar, liar, pants on fire)

"See you in practice." Kise said a bit too quickly, and before Kuroko could utter any more, Kise rudely shut the door, blocking any more connection between the two.

Kise slid his back to the door and held himself together as best as he could. His hands grasped his legs, squishing the pizza in the process, and his back curled into a cocoon-like pose. He then laid his head on his knees, sighing. He wished he could just stay in this position, build a shield around him like a cocoon and just stay there for eternity's time. There would be no distractions, no noise, no anything to tell him that he wasn't good enough.

(Because it was true.

He wasn't good enough.

Not yet)

But there was no way he could stay there. Not when he could feel the bumps of frozen cheese, topped with chopped pieces of meat and vegetables. Not when he could smell the oil and the slight burntness coming from the dough that had been in the oven for just a tad bit too long. Not when his stomach literally churned and churned until Kise felt like throwing up.

Kise didn't know it was happening until he felt himself begin to move. His body moved sluggishly, his legs and arms untangling from each other messily. He struggled to stand, his legs feeling more and more like jelly, and he slowly began to trudge his way to the microwave.

_(Pizza: 237 CALORIES in one piece_

_10 grams of FAT_

_10.6 grams of PROTEIN_

_Just so many CARBS)_

Surely there would be no harm in eating just one, right?

He began to unload all the pieces into the microwave, and hit defrost.

_(237 CALORIES)_

The microwave turned and turned.

The cheese on the top was melting.

The room began to smell more and more like hell.

_(300 CALORIES)_

They were clearly mocking him. He could tell.

How much did he have for dinner? He cursed Kuroko for not allowing him to use his weight scale to measure his food.

_(500 CALORIES)_

The beeping sounded like an alarm.

An alarm to attract disaster.

The pizzas were done.

The room began to swirl.

_(1000 CALORIES)_

Surely there would be no harm, right? He did have practice soon, so it would burn off any, if all, calories that he ate this evening.

There would be no harm, right?

Right?

_RIGHT?_

_(10000 CALORIES)_

He reached for one.

Then another.

Then another.

And another.

All until,

_(100000000000 etc etc etc)_

The empty plate, which once contained a pile of extra large, extra cheesy pieces of pizza, stared at Kise.

It was laughing at him.

Mocking him.

Taunting him.

( _You fatty.)_

No.

_(Fatty)_

No.

No.

_(Fat fat fatty fat fat fat fatty fat fat fatty fat fat fat FAT FAT FAT FATFATFATFATFATFAT)_

NO

NO

NO

NO

Kise knocked the plate, as well as the bowl filled with cherry tomatoes, away as he stumbled back. He tripped on his feet, causing him to crash down to the ground, his hands shaking. The tomatoes tumbled down onto the floor, each blob of red dripping down, just like thick blood. Kise shied away from the view, feeling sicker than ever because he, too, began to taste blood in his mouth.

His teeth had gnawed through his bottom lip, and he cringed a the taste of metal. But the metal then mixed in with the taste of cheese and he begged to go back to taste only his blood.

No, it was not possible. He did not just consume all that pizza.

There was no way.

He was dreaming.

He must have been dreaming.

Kise ran to the nearest bathroom and quickly stripped, his clothes haphazardly hitting the tiles. He then faced himself in the mirror, which told no lies. His eyes, which were closed, then slowly opened, fearing what he would see.

And when he fully opened them, he sighed in relief.

There it still was.

His body.

The body he was working so hard to maintain.

To perfect.

Heaving one more sigh, the stress leaving his body, Kise began to retrieve his clothes that were on the ground. He stood up tall once more but then saw to his horror what was at the corner of his eye.

BUMP

BUMP BUMP BUMP

When did that bump get there? Why was there was bump where his flat stomach should have been?

_Why was there was goddamn bump on his perfect body?_

No.

Just no.

Just.

No.

(Today's dinner:

No.)

* * *

That evening, while everyone else left as soon as two hours of practice was up, Kise ended up staying at the gym until the janitor asked him to kindly leave.

* * *

Spirals.

He saw spirals.

Swirling up and down.

Up and down.

Down.

Down.

Down the rabbit hole.

Down to the hole where he belonged.

Bottom.

Rock bottom.

He has yet to hit rock bottom.

But he's curious

Curious to know

What lies underneath

All that pain and sorrow?

What lies underneath

All of which is cold and beautiful?

Spirals.

He was going in spirals.

Up and down

Up and down

Almost like a yo-yo

A little kid playing with his yo-yo

Up and down

Up and down.

* * *

"Kise, you're sleeping again."

"Kise, you're slacking off."

"Kise, you got another agency interested in you."

"Kise, you're not listening again."

"Kise, keep it up, you're really proving yourself."

"Kise, you really are a beautiful man."

"Kise, you're lagging behind."

"Kise, this was your idea in the first place."

"Kise, keep up the good work."

"Kise, have you been sleeping lately?"

"Kise, you look a little pale."

"Kise, we have makeup for that, so don't worry about those dark circles."

"Kise, you're slowing down."

"Kise, we're leaving you behind."

"Kise, are you feeling well?"

"Kise, maintain that perfect body of yours."

"Kise, can you even keep up with this program anymore?"

"Kise, another photographer is interested in you."

"Kise, maintain that perfect image of yours."

"Kise, I think you should take a break from basketball."

"Kise, look at this model and compare that with yours."

"Kise, it's either this or your job because it's obvious you can't do both."

"Kise, have you been eating lately?"

"Kise, look at him and now look at you."

"Kise, when was the last time you ate?"

"Kise, we want you to get to this level of beauty."

"Kise, are you okay?"

"Kise, we all know you're beautiful but we want more."

"Kise, I'm getting really worried."

"Kise, try getting this body."

"Kise, please."

"Kise, leaner and slimmer."

"Kise, please look at me."

"Kise, you're not there yet."

"Kise, please."

"Kise, you're not good enough yet."

"Kise, have you lost weight?"

* * *

(Yes)

(I have)

(Thank you for noticing)

(Please notice it more)

(Tell me I lost weight)

(Tell me I look good)

(Tell me you can see the difference)

(From my past self and now)

(It's been so long since we last met)

(Tell me I've changed)

(Tell me it's visible enough for you to notice)

(Tell me)

(I feed off it)

(I need to know)

(Tell me my hard work is paying off)

(Tell me)

(Goddamn tell me)

(I'm losing my mind)

(Losing control)

(Consciousness)

(Ability)

(To talk)

(To walk)

(To speak)

(I'm losing)

(Everything)

(I'm losing everything)

(So please)

(Just tell me you can see it)

(You can notice it)

(The difference)

(The progress I've made)

(Tell me)

(For the love of god just tell me)

(Tell me)

(I've lost weight)

* * *

"Kise-kun."

There was no response. He then felt a light jab on his side, right where his ribcage was and the hand that had touched him stayed there for a moment before slowly peeling away.

"Kise-kun." The voice called out once more, and Kise, the famous basketball player and model, slowly lifted his head up to meet Kuroko's darkening teal-shade eyes. His head felt so heavy.

"Hey, Kurokocchi." Kise whispered, his voice barely a mutter, and tried to lift his head more, but to no avail. He ended up sinking back to his comfortable arms, his eyelids feeling mighty heavy as well.

"Kise-kun." Kuroko repeated but it sounded more like a whine. Kise had never heard Kuroko whine before. How new.

"Yes, Kurokocchi?" Kise muttered under his arms. He just felt so tired.

"Kise-kun, please look at me. Please." Kuroko begged and Kise always hated when Kuroko begged, so, using any energy he had left, he lifted his head from his arms to face his old friend.

And his friend suddenly began to cry.

"Kurokochi, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Kise asked, alarmed.

Kuroko kept crying. "Kise-kun, no. Why?"

Kise tilted his head to the side in confusion. Somehow, his head weighed more than he had imagined. "Why what?"

"Why did I let you go this far? Why did I not stop it when I had the chance?" Kuroko moaned in sorrow.

But Kise just couldn't understand.

"What are you talking about, Kurokocchi? I don't understand what you're saying."

Kuroko looked away when Kise faced him. "Kise-kun, please look at yourself. Please look at yourself and tell me that what you're looking is  _not normal_."

"Are you insulting your dear friend, Kurokocchi? Because that was very mean thing of you to say. Are you telling me I'm deformed in any way?" Kise responded, slightly offended and very tired of hearing such a remark.

He had enough of that at work.

"Kise-kun, no. That is not what I meant and you know that. You're so white. It's like I'm seeing a ghost in front of me. And I can't even tell if you have cheeks anymore." Kuroko sobbed and Kise closed his eyes. He then felt Kuroko's cold hands touch his face, to the hollow place where his cheeks once resided.

(They were not cheeks.

It was all fat.)

A shiver went down Kise's spine at the cold touch. Had the weather gone colder?

"It defines my cheekbones and jawline. Can you tell?" Kise said while place his hands on top of his chin to make himself look cuter in an attempt to change the mood. But if anything, it only made things worse.

Kuroko grabbed Kise's wrist and yanked it towards him. Kise got the wind knocked out of him from the sudden movement and winced when Kuroko's grasp tightened.

"Kurokocchi, that was uncalled for, and your grip is hurting me." Kise complained but Kuroko wasn't listening. He was just staring. Staring at his wrist.

He then placed his own wrist next to Kise's. And again, he began to sob.

"You have thinner wrists than me now." Kuroko realized with a wail, but Kise ignored that. He instead smiled as Kuroko's comment was like a drug and he wished for more.

"Am I really thinner than you now, Kurokocchi?" Kise asked eagerly. He took a look at the two wrists, his and Kuroko's, and realized that yes, it was true. It was very true.

His wrist was now slimmer than Kuroko's, and Kuroko had always been the thin one of the group, ever since middle school.

"Amazing." Kise muttered to himself but Kuroko heard, and he was not happy.

"What is so amazing?" Kuroko demanded to know.

Kise was undeterred by Kuroko's sudden rage. "It means I'm getting closer to my goal now."

"Goal?" Kuroko asked incredulously.

Kise nodded eagerly. "My goal to achieve the perfect body. Lean and slim, Kurokocchi. That's what everyone wants these days. Lean and slim."

A hush fell around them as Kuroko slowly let go of Kise's wrist and let his head fall. Kise gingerly took his hand back to his side and waited for Kuroko to react.

"Kurokocchi?" Kise slowly asked.

"So all of this… All of this just to achieve a goal that isn't even worth it?" Kuroko trembled and Kise was taken aback.

What did he mean? Why wasn't it worth it?

"Kurokocchi, I…"

Kuroko lifted his head up high, some of his tears hitting Kise's hollow, pale face. "Look at yourself! Look at yourself and  _tell me you are not dying!"_

Kise had no words to say. Kuroko kept crying. The two stayed that way for a while, the atmosphere quiet except for Kuroko's huffs and cries.

"…I'm not dying, Kurokocchi. I'm doing perfectly fine, so you don't have to worry about me." Kise tried to reassure, patting Kuroko on the back, but the teal head immediately hit it aside.

"Do not  _ever_  repeat those words to me ever again, Kise-kun. You are  _not_  fine, and I have  _every right_  to be worried. If you are not going to admit that what you're going through is both physically and mentally harmful in every possible way, then I will have to take matters into my own hands." Kuroko declared, standing up.

"What do you mean? What are you planning on doing?" Kise asked, confused.

Kuroko grabbed his arm and forced him to follow.

"I am taking you to the cafeteria."

"To do what?" Kise asked in panic. He tried to free himself from Kuroko's grip but along the way, some way or another, the smaller man had grown stronger than Kise.

"I am getting you a full platter of food and we will not leave until you finish, do you understand me?" Kuroko demanded, but Kise wasn't listening.

He was frightened.

So frightened.

Not of Kuroko because Kuroko was his good friend.

But of his words.

Of his imminent future.

His future filled with food that he did not want to consume.

Because those were bad foods.

And Kise didn't want to eat bad foods.

Not when he was so close.

So close to his goal.

Kise began to struggle more and more against Kuroko's grip but found that it was absolutely futile. He whined and begged and cried to be left alone but it fell into deaf ears. Kise's legs dragged along the pavement, not having enough energy to pick themselves up to go the other way. Kise looked up to see the back of Kuroko, who now seemed taller and bigger than he.

How was that possible?

Kise was always bigger.

When had their roles reversed?

They arrived to the cafeteria, which was fairly empty except for a few people who were trying to juggle eating their food while studying their textbooks. Kuroko kept his grip on Kise as they walked up to a ticket machine filled with all kinds of different pictures.

Kuroko looked at the options for a second before looking back at Kise and his desperate face.

"Kurokocchi—" Kise tried to say once more but the man had already chosen his weapon and the ticket slid out of the machine. Kise didn't know what Kuroko had chosen but he was already trembling.

They then went to the lady behind the counter and Kuroko handed her the ticket. She looked at it before noticing Kise in the back and she raised an eyebrow in confusion. She had no comment however, and instead told them to wait ten minutes.

In that time, Kuroko pushed Kise into one of the tables and ordered him to sit as they began to wait for whatever hell Kuroko had chosen.

Kise was still shaking. "Kurokocchi, please, I don't want to do this."

Kuroko wouldn't look his way. "Kise-kun, you will not get out of this. I absolutely forbid it. I will not leave you until I see you have at least one satisfactory meal."

"I eat! I swear I do! You just never see me because you're so busy with basketball and I'm getting more into my modeling career. I eat, Kurokocchi. I really do." Kise tried to rebut but his voice just kept getting smaller and smaller with every word.

It was obvious that he was lying. Kise couldn't even remember the last time he had a meal that was over a 500 calories.

Kuroko eyes narrowed in fury and sorrow. The lunch lady called Kuroko's name and he quickly fetched the tray. Kise took that moment to leave as quickly as possible but before he could, Kuroko was already back.

When did Kuroko become so fast?

Or rather, when did Kise become so slow?

Kuroko placed the tray down and pushed it towards Kise, who pursed his lips as he saw what was in front of him.

A simple pork cutlet bowl with miso soup on the side.

A simple bowl.

Filled with too much rice.

Too much pork.

Too much onion.

Too much soup.

_(Japanese rice: 168 CALORIES per 100 grams_

_0.4 grams of FAT_

_3.5 grams of PROTEIN_

_36 grams of CARBS)_

"Kise-kun, please eat." Kuroko said, his voice monotone but laced with slight anger and worry.

Kise gulped as he took the chopsticks that were by the end of the tray.

_(Miso soup: 84 CALORIES per serving_

_3.4 grams of FAT_

_6 grams of PROTEIN_

_7.8 grams of CARBS)_

The cafeteria doors opened and a cold wind entered, making Kise shake. He was already wearing two layers of clothing under a large hoodie (though it wasn't large when he had first bought it). He just couldn't understand why he felt so cold.

He grasped the ends of his sleeves with his bony hands and began to curl himself into a ball, clearly uncomfortable with the situation.

"Kurokocchi…" Kise began but Kuroko's daunting look made him shut his mouth in fear.

"Eat." Kuroko ordered.

_(Welsh onion: 10 CALORIES per ounce_

_0.1 grams of FAT_

_0.5 grams of PROTEIN_

_1.8 grams of CARBS)_

"I—I can't." Kise quivered, curling even further. "I—I really can't."

"Why? Why can't you eat?"

_(Pork cutlet: 335 CALORIES_

_Too many calories_

_Too many goddamn calories)_

"I— I don't know how much is in here and the pork— it's deep fried and so much worse than just having it cooked and I— I need to weigh this a—and confirm that no chemicals were put in here to make it taste better and— and—and—"

Kuroko grabbed Kise's hands, which were vibrating and close to ripping his dull blond hair into shreds. He immediately let go, however, and Kuroko took his own hands to his chest in shock.

Kise looked at Kuroko with a confused look.

"W-What—?"

"Your hands, Kise-kun. Why are they so cold? It's early fall, for crying out loud." Kuroko asked as he began to rub his hands together to make them warm again.

Kise looked at his bony hands and realized that it  _had_  been a while since he could feel any warmth in his hands and feet. He had actually noticed it a while back and tried looking for solutions to make himself warmer but after various failed attempts, he decided it just wasn't worth it anymore.

"I don't know." Kise replied tiredly. He didn't want to be here. He needed to go and exercise to achieve that perfect body that everyone in the modeling business was talking about and his manager just preached on and on about.

"Kise-kun, please. There is nothing added or bad about this bowl. Nothing. Please just eat, for me." Kuroko begged, and Kise bit his bottom lip to stop himself from crying.

"But I can't." Kise whispered. "Not when I don't know what they put or how much they put in. I can't, Kurokocchi. I can't."

Kuroko started to sob, leaving Kise feeling terrible. He, too, began to cry.

Kuroko took Kise's hands once more, and this time, he didn't let go. Kuroko's hands were so warm compared to Kise's and the blond welcomed the body temperature. He didn't notice Kuroko shivering from the touch.

The teal brought Kise's hands to his lips and the grip tightened quite a bit, making Kise wince.

"Kise-kun, you have a problem." Kuroko muttered.

Kise merely sat there in silence.

"Please, admit to yourself that you have a problem."

"I—I don't. It's just until—"

"Please. Please just admit it. Please just tell me that you know what you're doing to your body."

"I—I—" Kise stuttered.

"I have waited, Kise-kun. Waited and just stood there doing nothing because I truly believed that you could realize what you were doing to yourself and that you would come to me for help the moment you realized it. But this—" Kuroko said as he pointed to Kise's entire body, "— is just going too far. I cannot wait any longer, Kise-kun. You need help."

"Kurokocchi, I don't know what you're talking about." Kise whispered.

" _Please_."

Kise slammed the table, startling the few people who were in the room with them. "I don't know what you're talking about!" He then screamed and accidentally threw the bowl of juicy, delicious pork cutlet to the ground.

The bowl shattered, the clanking sound echoing over and over in Kise's ears. The rice poured over, crying as it touched the dirty floor, and the miso soup drizzled out like Kise's tears. The pork was the nosiest of all. It screamed at Kise for letting it go to waste, for not bowing to temptation.

The cafeteria room filled with silence as the shattering sounds slowly dissipated. No one dared to move and Kise felt so alone.

(I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay)

Kuroko gingerly approached the blond but he refused by turning to the side.

"I— I don't know what you're talking about." Kise mumbled. "I…"

(I am not okay)

Kuroko reached out once more and this time, Kise didn't retaliate. The teal head then wrapped his bigger, stronger arms around Kise's fragile, empty, weightless body and pulled him into a might hug.

His bones were surely stabbing his friend.

"I… I…" Kise kept stuttering and Kuroko began to stroke Kise's hair.

" _I'm so hungry."_  Kise finally admitted and broke down immediately after.

There.

He had said it.

He just succumbed to his weakness.

He was weak.

_Weak_.

But the teal said nothing. As Kise began to sob on Kuroko's shoulder, the blond waited for the accusations to begin. But nothing happened.

The teal said nothing. Didn't acknowledge the fact that Kise was a coward or a weakling or a fat, disgusting piece of a human garbage.

What the teal  _did_  do was stroke Kise's hair and pull him closer into the hug, so that all his warmth would transfer into the blond and the world would slowly turn brighter.

"I know, Kise-kun." The teal finally spoke and hugged Kise tighter. "I know."

* * *

"What made you first believe that you needed to change?"

"During high school, I think."

"What happened during then?"

"I'm not really sure."

"Then we'll go step by step. Tell me about your high school life. What did you do? What did you enjoy?"

"…Basketball. I enjoyed playing basketball a lot. I had a stressful time in middle school and I always liked basketball because it was a stress reliever. That and it gave me the necessary exercise I needed to keep me in shape."

"Ok, good. And what else did you do?"

"Um, modeling, I guess."

"Modeling?"

"Yeah, I started in middle school and it's carried on until now."

"Tell me more."

"What more can I say that people don't already know? The modeling industry; it's a harsh environment to be in. Everyone is just so beautiful and perfect, and you're constantly exposed to scrutiny and judgement. Every camera angle has to be perfect and every pose you do has to be fake but natural, and no matter how perfect you try to make yourself, it's never enough. They always end up photoshopping it but they don't want people to know that, so they make sure that the model in real life is close enough to the edited picture. But we're never close enough. We're never really good enough."

"And this is what prompted you to lose weight?"

"My manager was the one who suggested it. He thought I was looking a bit too big for the shoot, so he gave me some pictures of male models and told me I should aspire to be like them."

"And this happened in high school?"

"Yes. During the middle of my second year, I think."

"…"

"…"

"And what did these male models have that you supposedly didn't?"

"…Everything. They had the looks, the body… They had everything that I didn't."

"How did you feel at the time?"

"At first, I just looked at him like he was mad. When my manager showed those pictures to me and told me I needed to look like them, I told him it was impossible for me to reach that kind of body, and I was already comfortable in my own skin. But he was adamant. He told me that if there was anyone who could do it, it was me. He suggested to start little by little. Go out less with friends and focus more on exercise. He told me that if I wanted to become more successful, I needed to make sacrifices. So I did."

"What kind of sacrifices did you make?"

"I stopped going out with friends. I started spending more time in the gym and added more hours to basketball practice. I started to eat less and exercise more. And when I started seeing results and could physically see my body changing…"

"It's ok. You can tell me."

"… I— I guess I grew addicted. Addicted to the change. Addicted to the people noticing and asking me if I had lost weight. Addicted to the compliments of how flat my abs were and how toned my back muscles were. How my cheek bones were more prominent and my jawline was much more sculpted. I just… I loved it. I loved listening to everything they said about my appearance. And I just… I just wanted more."

"Why do you think people love hearing that? Why did you?"

"…I don't know. I guess it's because I worked really hard for it and to have people acknowledge that really helped my self-esteem. I was practically losing sleep trying to achieve my goals, and I guess I just needed that little push. I don't know."

"It's ok, I understand what you mean. So, what happened afterwards? Did you achieve your goal of looking like those male models that your manager gave you?"

"I… I did, actually. I had gotten that slim, sculpted body. My manager was practically jumping as we did photoshoots because they all turned out really good. And he just showered me with compliments. And I was really proud of myself for making it this far. But…"

"But?"

"My manager suggested taking it a step further. Add a bit of muscle here. Flatten this part just a bit more. Tone up those lines to make them just a bit more prominent. Small things."

"Those are not small things."

"I know that now, but back then, I was motivated. I had come this far, so I thought I could do it. But he wanted those results fast, so I amped up the routine I already had."

"Eat less, exercise more?"

"Yeah."

"And did it work?"

"It did."

"If it did, then what led you to go through such extreme lengths? If you had already achieved the goals you established, why keep going?"

"… It was hard to go back to the lifestyle I once had. My regimen was so strict and restrictive and I had followed it for so long that it was hard to change back. My mind just… shut down."

"How long did you follow this 'regimen' of yours?"

"I think it's been about two years. Maybe more, I don't know. But suddenly, my brain just couldn't go back to the simpler times. It started labelling food from good to bad and the numbers. Oh god, the numbers."

"Numbers?"

"How much fat and protein was in one thing, and how much carbs and calories were in the other. I couldn't go a day without weighing my food and counting my calories. I started writing how much I ate every time I consumed something and if it reached a certain number, I would fast or eat less the next meal. I can't even count how many times I went to the bathroom, trying to push out any food I had ate. I went so often that my friend worried I would get hemorrhoids. Sometimes, I would just not eat at all because I was just so afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Of gaining back what I had lost. Of losing all that progress. Of thinking that if I ate something, anything, I would get fat. If I gained any weight again, then all my hard work would be for nothing. I was just so, so afraid. I still am. But I really want to get better. I want to become strong again so that I can go back and be part of my basketball team again."

"You're no longer on the team?"

"I went too far, obviously, which is why I'm here in the first place. But yeah, I'm no longer in the team because I was growing too weak. I couldn't keep up with the programs that I myself had written up because there was no more energy in my body. I knew it was because I wasn't eating properly and I wasn't fueling my body enough, but again, I was so scared and I just couldn't get out of my own head. And I really thought I could endure it, like I always had."

"Like you always had?"

"In high school, we had almost the same kind of workout, with almost the same intensity. If I could manage then, I thought that I could definitely manage now."

"But what happened?"

"I ended up fainting one day during practice. It was after everyone had bombarded me with questions like 'are you okay?' and 'are you feeling sick?' and whatnot. I guess I was looking a bit too pale. The coach pulled me aside and told me that it would be best to stay out of practice for a while, just until I could recuperate and come back good as new. I don't know if I can, though."

"You will. Recovery takes time but you'll definitely make it."

"I wonder. Even though I've admitted it to myself and I've acknowledged my problem, it's just so hard to go back to the way things were. My brain is so messed up that I constantly have those numbers circling around me every single time I see food. You don't know how many times I've tried to fix things myself with my friend helping me but it's just so difficult. I hesitate if he suggests eating at a restaurant. I lie and say I have other plans when there are high school reunions. Every time my friend offers me something remotely unhealthy, whether it be a single cookie or even a goddamn lunch tray, I just… recoil."

"Nobody said it was easy."

"Like I haven't heard that phrase before."

"It's so common to hear because it's true. Recovery is no easy feat, especially when it comes from the mind. Mental illnesses are no laughing mater. Human beings are such stubborn creatures, don't you think? Even though we know in our minds that what we are doing is wrong or unhealthy, it still wants to keep going. It's the matter of conquering your demons and changing your perspective of what you believe is good and bad. It'll be slow and tough and there will be times where you'll think you've taken a step back, but we can work on that and you will get better. You just have to start from the mind."

"And how will I be able to do that?"

"You've come here because you wanted help, did you not? If you really didn't want to become better, you never would've even stepped into my office. You have a willingness to change, and that is the first step. The rest is not going to be any easier, and I will not sugarcoat that. But we'll take it step by step."

"…Okay. I'll try. What should I do first, then?"

"My suggestion, honestly, is to quit your job."

"My job?"

"Or at least take a break from it. To get better, you have to get rid of the negativity that started it. To be honest, I want to talk to your manager and how terrible of a person he is. No one should expose that much stress and burden on a high schooler."

"Yeah, he was kind of a dick."

"I would've phrased that in more appropriate words but yes. So, do we have a deal?"

"Quit my job as a model?"

"Or take a break from it until you know you can go back there without feeling like you've lost."

"… Yeah, I guess it doesn't hurt to start there."

"And for food, we'll start small. All the foods you've been labelling as bad or unhealthy can stay that way for a little while, but it cannot be permanent. Food is merely energy to fuel your body and help you stay active. There is no 'good' or 'bad' food."

"That's gonna take some time to get used to."

"I know, which is why we won't start there. What we  _will_  start on is on the amount that you eat. Im assuming you already have a predetermined amount of food you eat, right?"

"I do."

"Then try to add a bit more. No one is telling you to change your diet immediately. If anything, that just provokes a more negative response. Add just a little until you're comfortable with that amount and then start adding more afterwards. It can take weeks or even months for you to become comfortable, and that's okay."

"…And then what?"

"When you've added enough so that each portion becomes the normal amount a college student like yourself should consume, then we'll begin with stripping off labels. No more 'good' or 'bad' food and no more numbers."

"No more numbers?"

"No more. You can actually start that now, really. As you add to your portion, stop thinking about the calories. Stop thinking about how much fat or carbs are in that certain food, and just enjoy the taste of it. Enjoy how your stomach stops hurting when you deposit energy into it."

"And if that's hard?"

"What did I just say?"

"No one said it was going to be easy?"

"Exactly. And we're taking it little by little. You don't have to change in a day. Nobody's forcing you to do so."

"…Okay. I'll try."

"And finally, I have a challenge for you."

"You do?"

"Yes, and it'll make the progress to recovery all the easier."

"What is it?"

"Don't look at yourself in the mirror."

"Excuse me?"

"Just don't look. Don't look at your body because that's when the mind will take over and you'll start looking for any imperfections you might have. It's better to just not look. It's only temporary, mind you. You can check yourself out all you want when you start growing comfortable with your changing body. Just as how you enjoyed being slim, you can be the same with just a few added pounds. Nothing will change."

"Can that really be done?"

"You have my word."

"… Then I'll try. I really will."

"Good. I'm rooting for you."

"…Thank you."

* * *

It was frustrating.

Frustrating to see just how much pain and suffering he had gone through

To please something that wasn't even worth pleasing.

He had been swept off

The waves pulling him deeper and deeper

And he had not fought against it before

Because he thought he shouldn't.

But now he was.

He was ready to change

For it was frustrating to see,

Saddening to realize

That this pain and suffering wasn't just to him

But to others as well.

For those who had watched in the sidelines, wanting to help but not knowing how

For those who wanted to reach out but could find no words to say that would reach him.

And it was hard.

So, so hard.

The beginning is always a bumpy start.

Up and down

Up and down

The yo-yo went

And he felt like drowning the first few times.

The waves would consume him

And he would choke and gasp

Air.

He needed more air.

He was struggling.

Constantly

Constantly

Struggling.

But step by step

Little by little

He crawled

He swum

He climbed

And it took so long

But he had made it.

And he lived to tell the tale

Of what lies beneath the surface

Of what is beautiful

And how misleading it can be.

It was frustrating

Frustrating to see how so many people can fall down this rabbit hole

To find their worth in other people's hands

When the only worth that should be reckoned with

Is their own.

It took time

It took so much time

And he was once close to destroying his own body and soul

But he made it.

He made it.

He made it.

He made it.

He was good enough.

And he was absolutely beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I'm back again.
> 
> I'm honestly very afraid of what you guys are thinking. Maybe some of you are thinking that this doesn't embody a person going through anorexia at all and that I'm sugarcoating it. Maybe some of you are thinking that what I went through isn't even that severe and I'm just making excuses.
> 
> I really don't know what kind of comments I'm going to receive from this story, but I really hope you can see just how damaging your mind can be when you push it too far.
> 
> Obviously, I couldn't incorporate every kind of content one might go through with anorexia or any other type of eating disorder. Like I said, this is story based on my personal experience and at the time (even now), I never wanted it to go this far.
> 
> For those who want to know more about my experience, I'm considering writing another chapter to this story, so if I do and you want to know what I went through, I'll add it there.  
> For now, I'm going to put this story as completed, but there's still so much to touch on that I wasn't able to in this one chapter, and I don't feel satisfied with it just yet. I'm not going to say what I'll put, but if it happens, I'll definitely let you guys know.
> 
> It is so easy to fall into this rabbit hole, both women and men (we seem to forget that men can go through this as well, hence why I wrote this in Kise's perspective) because we're living in such a suffocating environment where every new feed is talking about the latest diet trend and how this person and that person got into shape and what not.
> 
> None of that matters. None of it.
> 
> You do not have to measure your worth and value over a number as stupid as your weight. You do not need to gain anyone's approval to know that you are beautiful. Please know that. If you know anyone or you find yourself going through the same thing, please talk to your parents and friends. Please seek help before it's too late. It's terrifying to go to a therapist, I get that, but if you can't change by yourself, professional help is so worth it. It will make things so much easier and better, so please, please get whatever help you need to make yourself better and healthier.
> 
> Thank you again, so, so much for reading this story.
> 
> Peace,
> 
> FlyAndDontLookBack


End file.
